This note was sent to me by Ashley Orton. It will bring delighted grins to the faces of many of you folks from India.
(**Bawa" refers to a member of the Parsee community)
____________ Ashley says:
"Soli Colah was my classmate in Campion from '63-67.
We called him Solar Topee, Hat., a funny, mischief-loving Bawa**. He is missed by his chokra boy Campionites.
A while back he composed this short detailing a trip to the liquor store in Bangalore.
Ashley (a.k.a. BoraGora, Stashley)"
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GRUNTY
Tomorrow being my last day in this glorious cultural capital, thought I'd get my friend a gift for bearing with my bawaness—and what better gift than a bottle of Scotch? So this morning, I went hunting for one and here's what happened:
First off, how do I find a liquor store? Not easy considering that it took half an hour to find out that there are no liquor stores or even wine shops but that all liquor is dispensed through "Garment Beverage Shops". 'Funny,' I thought, 'imagine selling garments and beverages in the same shop. And what about liquor? Always associated tea or a soft drink with beverages, just proves that one man's wine is another man's beverage.' Then it dawned that "Garment" meant the "of, by and for the people variety" and that all "beverages" are controlled by the "Garment".
Next step was to find an auto rickshaw to take me to a "Garment" Beverage Shop. Stopped one and asked him how much it would cost to take me to the city centre to a GBS and back. He said 'pay to meter about 30 but nat marr to 40 max'. That was easy enough – pay him, not the meter, whatever the meter showed which would not exceed 40. But you always gotta check these things and I asked him, are you sure? 'Grunty!' he said. '"Grunty"?' I asked, not quite seeing what his cranky aunt had to do with it, 'Who's Grunty?'. 'My Grunty!' he said. The mind reeled and he said, just in case I hadn't understood: 'Grunty, grunty, my grunty nat more to 40 max'. ..And the penny dropped that it was a 'guarantee' that it would not cross 40.
So off we went to the "garment" shop under his "Grunty". "Garment" shop was manned by what looked like a cross between a neanderthal and a gorilla. He would closely scrutinize each customer with beady eyes set under densely forested eyebrows, before banging down choice of beverage on counter with a loud grunt (but no "grunty").
Up stepped a customer, a very large, very hairy, swarthy guy who'd a given our neanderthal a run for his money and freaked me out by slamming money on counter and shouting ‘Aunty Kitty'. Now I don't know how this fellow would know of the other fellow's Aunt Kitty, but neanderthal fella approached counter with menacing growl and evil eye. I was getting ready to bolt before the hair started flying, but could not help notice that there appeared to be no panic at all amongst the other customers. Could they all know this Aunt Kitty? Neanderthal grabbed money, went to rear of shop, came back and slammed a bottle on the counter and also said ‘Aunty Kitty' and his swarthiness scooped up and departed but not before I noticed that it was a bottle of Antiquity blended scotch.
Relieved, I watched as next customer, this one a little chimp of a man, barely waist high to a gorilla, who reminded me of... oh well, never mind...stepped up. He too slammed cash on counter. I made a mental note that this slapping of cash with much gusto must be a local custom. Must have been one of those bounders with boundless courage for without batting an eyelid he told neanderthal, ‘Her Coolie Ram'. My God, I thought, who knew which woman he was referring to but to call her a coolie and a ram? Surely this was too much? But neanderthal, in what I realized by now was his calm demeanor, plonked down a bottle of Hercules Rum plonk and everybody seemed happy.
My turn next and I stepped up and slammed down cash on counter and said, ‘Black Dog'. And pandemonium ensued. 'Aaaaaaarrrgghhh' shouted neanderthal, 'who you caaling black dog, son of beetch' and lunged for me. Only long hours dodging Stashley's* rubber band paper pellets saved my bacon. I pelted round the corner where ole auto waited with his grunty and we bolted out of there in a cloud of banana chip flavored dust. A most unpleasant experience, I can grunty you.
In the end I played safe and bought a gift "gruntied" to please—"chalk late".
Sola, a "Grunty" Topi
*=Ashley, The pellet musteewallah |